Moving Through Strong Emotions: The Emotional Wave
In the spirit of this month’s 3byMe topic of emotions, I felt like it would be helpful to talk about different ways on how to go through a strong emotion. I had a situation like that recently and once I weathered this very emotional moment, I thought that my process of going through it could benefit the readers of my newsletter and blog (read: you 🙂).
A little disclaimer at the beginning: Everything I mention below is a suggestion and invitation to try it out if you feel like you need it. And if you have anything to add from your side, please feel free to share it with me, too. Emotions (big and small) come up all the time and it helps to know how others cope with them. Mind you, it doesn’t always matter what kind of emotion it is. Also the rather pleasant ones can sometimes cause discomfort, but let’s not get carried away by another emotion.
I will not go too much into detail of what exactly happened and triggered the strong emotion, but let me tell you that the week was filled with several events and news that simply hit me (I cannot think of any better way to describe it and am sure that you know how this might look/feel like for you).
Let it flow
In my case, I went through a mix of sadness, anxiety, anger, but the prevailing emotion was deep sadness (but stay with me for that until the end). I had received bad news, I took a tough decision and when I was on my way home from work and had a moment alone, it came over me like a big wave (I’m not a surfer, but hey, a wave of emotion is a great metaphor).
So what did I do? I just let it flow…literally. I still had to drive, which I managed, but I let it all out. I cried, I sobbed, I yelled (along with the song that was playing) and made space for the emotion to come out and pass through my body.
There are different opinions on how to deal with emotions and in the end, you have to decide what you want to do with it. There are people who say that you should actually ignore certain emotions and not pay attention to them, and then I once listened to a podcast where someone said “an emotion has a beginning and an end”...and I don’t know if you read my blog post regarding my self-development journey, but the notion of “this too shall pass” resonates very much with me and I like to use it also in the context of emotions.
So, yes, emotions can be sometimes very hard, draining, emotional (you see what I did here 😛) and heavy, but I’m in favour of going all in and facing them, instead of suppressing them. Of course I am also well aware that you cannot always do that, and there are moments when you have to have your s*** together, but once you can, I can only encourage you to let your emotions flow through you and your body.
2. Listen to your body
Once the emotional expression (maybe “digestion” could be a nice synonym here, too) was over (it took some time and came in waves), I was more or less out of the “fight or flight” response and managed to connect with my body. At that point I was in the parking lot of a supermarket and had time to take a moment, close my eyes and listen to my body and what it needed. It’s mostly not a surprise when I say that my body needed fuel…and it also needed rest and calm. My shoulders and neck were very tight, too.
3. Respect your needs
Off I went and bought a nourishing and tasty salad and allowed myself to go for the easy option when it comes to taking care of my body. Yes, I could have thought of buying ingredients for a nice home-cooked meal…or I could have waited until I was home. Yet, I decided that I needed to give myself grace and went for the easy option.
I’m describing this so much in detail because respecting your needs can look very different for you, and might also look different for me depending on the circumstances and the emotion I’m going through.
Sometimes all I need is a hot water bottle to relax, or a hot bath or binge watching a Netflix show (yes, sometimes I do that 🙂). No matter what it is for you, please be so kind and respect your body and mind. You will be with them for your whole life and they deserve your attention. I promise they will also return you the favour when you need them.
4. Self-regulate your nervous system
This is a fancy way of saying “getting out of your fight or flight response and telling your body (and mind) that you are safe”. It’s also shorter. 😀
Once I arrived home and ate my meal, I knew it was time to take care of my shoulders and neck. And so I laid down on my acupressure mat…I have used it already in the past, but was always protecting my back a bit. This time, I tried it for the first time without anything between my back and the mat and although the beginning was uncomfortable, I was so happy that I did it, because it really allowed me to relax. At the same time I also started listening to a podcast (a conversation between Brené Brown and Esther Perel - who doesn’t want these two ladies with them when self-regulating? ;) ).
On other days I might listen to my “relaxing music” playlist, light/burn some incense or turn on my essential oils diffuser…but in that particular moment, it needed to be as simple as possible, as I was already exhausted.
Breathing exercises can be super helpful, too, or going for a walk or doing some yoga. Whatever you choose, it all depends on what you need (see step 3). Movement can be for example particularly helpful when you feel stuck - and in those moments it helps to give yourself a little kick in your a** as you will want to do is to not move.
5. Take your time
After my acupressure mat session, I simply sat in my (home) office, continued listening to the podcast and sat with myself. It was important for me to still have a moment to myself before I went to bed.
I would sometimes also journal to write down my learnings and dig deeper in understanding what actually happened and what lies behind all these big feelings. And so here comes the big revelation: Behind all the sadness was a feeling of disappointment. I was disappointed in myself. I didn’t manage to do what I wanted to do and what I had planned for a long time. I was disappointed that I didn’t manage to stick to my (self-imposed) schedule. This was (among others) what was waiting for me once my emotion was over and once I could think clearly again and dig deeper.
I’m sharing with you one of the lessons that came out of this for me as some others might not be ready to be shared yet. I hope, though, that it helps you to get an idea of how “going through an emotion” can look like.
Most probably the emotion you are going through is not the emotion that is hidden underneath. It is a bit like coaching (if I may open this parallel): The reason why someone starts working with a coach is in most cases not the real reason. There is always an underlying/hidden reason, and that’s totally fine.
BONUS: Connect with a close friend
I still felt vulnerable and exhausted after all the steps that I described above, but I also felt much better. I felt like I could also come back to the surface (a bit like after a wave has gotten over you 😉 ) and connected with my “DCA girls” (to keep it short and simple: This is my accountability (and much more!) group of a course I did). They knew what I was working on, what I had been planning, how much work went into it and so I took the courage and shared the news with them. I was showered with compassion and understanding, and I suddenly felt way less alone and held.
This bonus step can be included in between the steps I mentioned or it can be even a part of the process. Being with a friend while you are going through a strong emotion can be helpful and talking to a friend can be also helpful when you are in the process of self-regulation.
I wanted to end this article with a few questions you can ask yourself (very simple and very helpful) when the wave is coming over you.
Some questions to ask yourself:
What do I feel?
What do I need?
Who can I contact?
Let me also remind you that feeling strong emotions is not a sign of weakness, it is part of your experience of being a human being. Not more, not less.
Take care.
Lidija