It always starts with you.
August is still ongoing and so is the relationships topic this month. It’s about time to talk about your most important relationship, the one with yourself.
Yes, I know that it’s common knowledge to “put your oxygen mask on first” and that self-care is also a very popular topic right now. Yet, I don’t think that it is so easy to truly put yourself first (without being considered selfish). It’s also not easy to ignore all these voices in your head (or actual voices from your family and friends) and to follow your own.
At the same time, you only have this one life and it is certain that you will be with yourself until the end of it, so you better take care of that person.
“But where to start?” you might ask. Let’s have a closer look at some options:
Relationship inventory & reflections
I suggest you sit down with a pen and paper and start asking yourself a few questions:
How have I treated myself these last weeks?
How did I speak to myself last week?
What recurring things do I tell myself when something goes wrong?
When was I very harsh with myself?
What did I do to make myself feel good?
Did I respect my boundaries?
What do I like about myself?
You don’t have to answer all of these and when you write down the answers, don’t think too much and let it flow. I’m sure there might be surprises here and there and your unconsciousness might also play a little role in bringing to light points that can be painful or evoke all kinds of emotion in you. Also there: be with it.
Stay with your emotions and be with them.
2. Awareness-building
The more you start listening to yourself, the more you will get to know yourself and realize how your “auto pilot mode” is treating you. We do so many things every day, thousands of thoughts run through our minds and it is very normal that we forget to pause and reflect. We might be very good at reflecting on others and their behaviour, but we are not necessarily wired to reflect upon how we treat ourselves.
I know this doesn’t sound like much or like a very fancy tool, but it’s the beginning of everything.
One of my most popular articles on Forbes is on the 4 Levels of Self-Development. So it seems that getting to know yourself better might be quite a popular topic. Bear with me and let’s take this relationship-building exercise further.
3. Changing the narrative
Who wants to rewire their brain?! Let’s go!
So you’ve done your relationship inventory, you are starting to build your self-awareness about your relationship with yourself and see where some areas are where you don’t treat yourself the way you would like to. And rest assured: everyone has these areas - we are human. However, some of these patterns are simply unhealthy and not good for your self-worth.
Step 1: Write it down
One option could be to actually write down the sentences you are telling yourself in critical situations.
Maybe one of these sound familiar and would come up on your list:
“I’m stupid.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“Bad things always happen to me.”
“I shouldn’t be here. Colleague x is much more competent than I am.”
“You did it again? Why are you always making the same mistake?”
Step 2: Name it
Seeing something like that written down, can already have a certain effect. So pause for a moment and see how it makes you feel to see it all written down like that.
Is all of that really true? And how could you rephrase it to make it closer to reality and to come from a place of self-compassion?
“I’m stupid.” → “And another thing I learned today!”
“I’m not good enough.” → “I’m more than enough! I love myself.”
“Bad things always happen to me.” → “Shit happens and it has nothing to do with myself.”
“I shouldn’t be here. Colleague x is much more competent than I am.” → “I have successfully delivered results in various projects and am an experienced professional.”
“You did it again? Why are you always making the same mistake?” → “I’m allowed to make mistakes. They are a part of learning.”
As you can see, it is not necessarily the opposite of what you thought, but you can rephrase it into a positive remark and even play with humor.
Step 3: Practice
Nothing beats practice. Yes, this means that it takes time (and work) to improve your relationship with yourself, but in the long run, you will see how your relationships with others will change as well. You will be able to treat others with the same compassion and empathy that you treat yourself with, and you will feel lighter, more joyful and a sense of peace. Worth a try, right?
It wasn’t my intention to make this article that long and it is almost two articles in one, but as it’s such an important relationship, it definitely deserves also a bit more space on my blog.
If you feel like you wish to work further on your self-awareness and want to gain more clarity among all those different voices and roles that come up, you can always schedule a free 30 minutes coaching info session with me. It’s hard to do it all on your own and I definitely speak from my own experience when I say that. Working with a coach or therapist (depending on what’s most suitable), is so helpful and you have a cheerleader (or drill instructor 😉 ) supporting you on your journey of self-discovery.